A Man Is Not A Man.....

Well, I've been looking through some of those old note books, mentioned in my last post.

They certainly make fascinating reading, as they go back quite a few years. I can see some themes among the many jottings and notes within the pages and some very interesting thoughts and ideas too. I've no doubt I'll be using at least some of them here, over time.

There was one note that jumped out at me though and it was one that I'd completely forgotten about too. It was a comment on an old YouTube video of mine, which I'd made a note of. I have no idea which video it was, but the comment said, "A man is not a man until his father dies".

I've just Googled that quote to see if it may have been an old saying, but I can't find any suggestion of it being so. It does sound like an old quotation doesn't it and the kind of thing you'd find in a book?

I'm guessing that the comment was on a video I may have made when my own father died, back in January 2010. I may just have to go back and check.
I'm not sure that I would agree with the comment particularly, but I can certainly understand the meaning behind it.

I was already in my early 50's when my father died, when he was 92, so whether his death had any major impact on my life I'm not that sure, that's apart from the obvious grief and emotional impact that is.

One thing I would say though, is that that event was just the start of a pretty momentous year for me and one that has changed and influenced my life ever since. The whole year was a bit of an emotional rollercoaster.

As mentioned my father died in January 2010. My mother-in-law then died suddenly, just over a month later. My father's death was not a shock, due to his age and the fact that he'd not been well for a while. But my mother-in-laws death certainly was, so you can probably imagine the impact that had on the extended family, especially the grandchildren, to whom she was very close.

One aside from this is that, at my fathers funeral service, I gave a speech about his life and one that was very well received as it happens. Strangely enough, I didn't find that anywhere near as hard as I thought I would.
This was one area where my past experience of vlogging and talking into a video camera was a help. I treated the speech as a kind of vlog and, in an ironic twist of fate, the person I concentrated on most of the time during that speech was my mother-in-law. I have no idea why, but her's was the face that I found myself using as a form of video camera lens (I hope that makes some kind of sense?)

Part three of my annus horribilis was losing my job and being made redundant in June of 2010. Once again this was a shock, as although I knew changes were afoot, nobody expected staff members to lose their jobs, least of all me. I wasn't the only one by the way.

Naturally, this had a huge impact on my life both then and since. I was lucky in that I came out the other side in a fairly good state and am happier doing what I do now, than I ever was at work back then.
I was also lucky in that I had other interests and potential projects to fall back on, some of which were in the pages of those old note books.
So, in many ways, I am better off now than then, although not financially. But, I have learned that money isn't everything.
One possible regret though, is that I've never had the chance to go back and thank them for getting rid of me.

In September of 2010 my younger sister was diagnosed with breast cancer. Thankfully that was detected early and the subsequent treatment has meant that she is now back to full health. But, once again, this was another of those episodes that makes you stop and think about life, the universe and everything.

Since that year, my life has changed in many ways and it has also been a lot less traumatic too, thankfully. But it has changed my whole outlook on life, work, pleasure and passions. I've made many changes and I suspect there will be more to come.
I'm looking forward to it.

Change may not always come in the ways that you want it to, or would like it to. It can creep up on you when you least expect it and often there's nothing you can do about it.

Sometimes, it's not the changes themselves that affect your life, it's how you react to them. I've always tried to have a 'glass half full' mentality and I think that helped me through that year and beyond.

So, although I'm not sure that the death of my father was quite the event that made me a man, that whole year may well have been, at least, part of the reason that I am now the man I am?

PS: I've checked and I made a whole series of videos about my father's illness and subsequent death.
This is the first one: A Matter of Life and Death the 2nd is: Life is a Rollercoaster and then are a few more on the Rollercoaster theme, if you're interested. As to why I made and shared those videos? Well, maybe that's a topic for another post?

AudioBoo - WW2 And All That.

So, This Is Christmas....

A yule vlog.

AudioBoo - Bringing It All Back Home.

A visit to the local hospital, brings back some memories.

I Want My DNA.

Any offers to profile my own DNA?

Vlogging - For personal use.

(This is the first in what will, hopefully, be a series of blog posts written whilst on holiday in Spain)

When i was last in Spain, two years ago, i recorded a series of video diaries and posted them onto YouTube. Mainly, it must be said, for myself and as a way of reminding myself about the holiday. I have been thinking about doing the same thing this time around. We'll see.
I suspect that, due to limited Internet speed, i'll be doing more blogs than vlogs this time though.

I have looked back on those Spanish videos many times over the past two years and have been very pleased that i bothered to record them. However good your memory, you will always forget some aspect, or detail of a holiday, no matter how good that holiday was. Or, even maybe because of that! So, it is great to be able to remind yourself whenever you want to. I have also been pleased that people have bothered to watch and comment on those videos. I have even had people say to me personally, how much they enjoyed them. That is always very nice to hear and is very encouraging.

Years ago, i used to write and keep a travel diary, whenever i went to somewhere a little out of the ordinary. As did many other people.
How times change!

Over the past few years i have recorded many videos which were originally only meant for purely personal use. Videos that were never really intended to be uploaded to YouTube, or elsewhere. This has been a way for me to record an event, or happening in my life. Such as that Spanish holiday. These videos are often very spontaneous and recorded quickly. But, then some of the best vlogs are recorded that way. Well, in my opinion anyway.

I think that because i've become so used to recording vlogs, during my four years on YouTube, these videos have always come out exactly the same as an "ordinary" "andymooseman" vlog would do. I always record and introduce them in the same way, just in case they do eventually see the public light of day. Apart from that, it just becomes a habit to start a video that way, wherever it is going to end up.

Possibly, because of this, there are very few videos of this type that have not been uploaded to YouTube. That must mean something, although i'm not quite sure what.

For example. I recorded a series of videos about my fathers ill health and subsequent death, earlier this year. These are a perfect example of the type of video i am talking about here, as i never intended them to be seen. Especially, the first couple that i made. They were just a way for me to record something very personal and historical. Albeit the type of history we don't wish to think about.
But, after uploading that first video, i was very pleased and actually uplifted by the comments and general feedback that it got by the viewers. Several people thanked me for posting those videos and said that it reminded them of similar situations that they had faced in the past. Situations in which they had often felt unable to communicate what they themsleves were feeling at the time
This encouraged me to keep recording that series of videos and to continue uploading them.

One reason that i had been, initially, a little hesitant about uploading that first video, was that i didn't want people to think that i was somehow fishing for sympathy. I suspect that this has been a motive for some in the past. But, i'm sure that my viewers and subscribers are smart enough to see right through somebody doing that.

I can honestly say that i am very pleased that i decided to, firstly record those videos and secondly, to actually feel brave enough to upload them to YouTube.
It was a way for me to put my thoughts and feelings of the time onto video. Not everybody would feel comfortable with recording their most stressful and emotional moments and then uploading them for all the world to see. That is not always an easy choice to make and, obviously, has to be a very personal decision.
But, maybe, this goes right to the heart of what vlogging is all about in the first place? Having said that, i would respect anyones decision not to do what i did.

I have often said that i regard vlogging to be a very cathartic experience at times and i've even called YouTube, the psychiatrists couch of the Internet, for that very reason. It gives you a place to say what you want and often something that needs to be said. But, something that you don't always feel able to say to those around you. But, it gets it off of your chest and out into the open.
Vlogging really is a great way of expressing your thoughts, especially at a time of emotional stress and, of course, you are still under no obligation to actually upload, or share those thoughts

But, the reaction you do get, if you do post those videos, might just be more beneficial than recording them in the first place. And greater than you could have imagined.
A problem shared, is a problem halved.

Life In A Day - Annus Horrilbilis.

This is my sumbimisson to the YouTube - Life In A Day film project. http://www.youtube.com/user/lifeinaday

Will i be a movie star? Somehow, i doubt it.

A beach vlog.

PS: My Mother arrived home safely, unscathed, after having had an enjoyable holiday.

Now, this really does make me feel old.

Today, is the 41st anniversary of man first walking on the surface of the moon.
Yes, i realise that if you live in different parts of the world, this may well have happened for you on July 20th.  This does raise the question as to what time it was on the moon at the time? Do they have time zones up there?

I mentioned in another recent blog post about how this event was one of those that everybody who was alive at the time remembers. It really was one of those momentous occasions when the whole world was watching and which brought the whole world together.

I was 11 years of age at the time and remember the occasion very well.
I have always had an interest in astronomy & space travel. So, this was a big deal for me. I had followed as many of the Apollo missions as my age enabled me to. I can remember those pictures of the earthrise coming back from the Apollo 8 mission and the effect that that had on everybody. It was, after all, the first time that the earth had been viewed, by us ordinary mortals, from space. Those pictures are still as amazing to me as they have always been.

On the morning of July 21st, 1969 i was woken by my father so that we could sit down and watch Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin make their first steps on the lunar surface. We had, of course, been watching hours earlier as the lunar module had made it's descent down to the moon.
It was around 4am in the UK at the time. So, this was not a normal wake up call and i can't imagine my father letting me sit up and watch tv, at that time of day, for anything other than an occasion such as this.
Looking back at those old black & white tv clips of the footage, it really does seem a world away from today. But, those tv pictures were true space age technology to us back then and were viewed with a real sense of wonder.
At it happens, i don't really remember that much about actually watching the footage at the time. More about the occasion itself. The details have probably been lost in the mists of time. Well, it was 41 years ago.

Those 41 years have really flown by and i often wonder where they have gone. So, yes, this anniversary really does make me feel old. But, i wouldn't have missed watching it for the world.

My only regret is that, despite my boyhood ambitions, i never got to appear in a photo like this.

Oh well. I guess you can't have everything in life?

Family, Friends & Reunions.

YouTube video.
Talking about more recent experiences.

The Rollercoaster Slows Down.

New YouTube video & hopefully, the final part of a series of videos about my Father.



Funerals, Fathers & finality.

Strange Days Indeed.

Well, these past few weeks have been rather strange ones for me.

As some of you may be aware, my father died on Sunday January 17th.
This was not a huge shock, as he was very nearly 93 years old & had been in hospital right over the Christmas & New Year period. But, regardless of how well you think you are prepared for what we did see as quite possibly, the inevitable, the shock when that end comes, is still a little hard to take.

As i said in a recent YouTube video that i made, one of a series, the hardest thing to take is the sudden realisation that you will never see that person again. I still can't quite believe it & probably won't for a while to come yet. My mother, who has coped remarkably well so far, still has days when she fully expects him to come home from the hospital.

The word i would use to describe how i've felt over these past two weeks, is surreal. It's almost as if you are walking around in a slight daze.
I have not been overly affected by what has happened, which has surprised me a little. But i have still felt rather weird, especially at certain times.
Maybe the full effect has not hit me yet? This may be the case, as the funeral is not until this Wednesday. That will be a strange day indeed.

But, the main reason for writing this blog was not to concentrate on all of those negative things that, inevitably, come about because of a parents death. But, rather to accentuate the positive things that have come out of it.

For one, this has made me do some re-evaluating about my own life. It has certainly made me realise, even more than i did before, that life needs to be lived & it needs to be lived now.
I have always been someone who has said yes to opportunities that have come my way. But, now i wonder if i should be the one trying to create even more opportunities for myself?
Time will tell, i suppose, if these thoughts will ever lead to anything. But, if you don't have those thoughts in the first place, nothing will ever change will it?

Another aspect, has been the way that my fathers death has made us all revisit his life & realise just what a full & interesting life he actually led.
I've heard stories about my father that i had never heard before. One in particular that sticks in my mind was about the evening, in the 1960's, when he played the piano in a pub & was bought several drinks of appreciation by Brian Epstein, The Beatles manager. How cool is that?

My mother has also learnt a lot about his earlier life.
Because of my own interest in family history, i got my father to write down & tell me about his early life, especially about his service in World War 2. My mother had never heard many of these stories.
My father lived through The Blitz, in London. He was also at the Battle of El Alamein, in North Africa & was in London during the VE Day celebrations at the end of WW2.
As i said, an interesting life.

So, all of this has helped me to re-evaluate what my father meant to me.
One of the main things, i feel, is the influence that he has had on my own life. Right from the physical attributes, i am the same height, build & wear the same size shoes as he did for example.
There are also such influences as his love of music, reading & a general inquisitive ineterst in the world around him.
All of these things, i have inherited from him. I am very grateful for all of them.

So, as i said. There are even some positive aspects to come out of even the worst times.

We all know that we are influenced by parents. But, sometimes it takes an event like this to remind us of just how much of an influence they have.
And if, like me, you have children of your own. It makes you realise what kind of influence you will, inevitably, have on your own children.

A Matter Of Life & Death

New YouTube video.

The Great Santa Claus Deception.

WARNING, SPOILER ALERT!

As you do on a Christmas day morning, my family & i were talking about Santa Claus/Father Christmas & a particular aspect of that story in particular.

My son, who is 19 years old by the way, just happened to say "Why do parents tell children that Santa Claus is real?"

Now, i think this is a very good question & one that really got me thinking. Hence this blog post.
So, why do we all do it? Knowing that it is untrue.

I am a parent of two children & quite happily went along with the great Santa Claus deception.
I admit, that when your children are young & believe in Santa Claus, it does add to the whole atmosphere & experience of the Christmas period. When the children get older & no longer believe, it is never quite the same is it?
Maybe that is the reason we do it? We remember what it was like for us, as children, when we too believed.

But, that doesn't really answer the question as to why i effectively told my children lies & let them believe in something & someone that i knew was false. And, something that i knew they would find out to be a big lie, at some time in the future.

It could be argued that by perpetuating this big lie & by effectively encouraging it as well, that we are being cruel to our children. After all, can you remember how disappointed & upset your own children were, or even how upset you were as a child, when you found out that Santa Claus was not real?
Do you remember when your child came home from school & asked you whether Santa Claus was real? Because their schoolfriends had found out the truth. And, if you remember that question, what was your answer?
I wouldn't be surprised if you told them, like i did, "Not to be so silly. Of course Santa Claus is real. After all, who do you think brings you all of those presents?"
Does that sound familiar?

It is only when you start to think about all of this, that you realise how bad it all sounds!

Throughout their lives & especially when they are younger, we try & teach our children to tell the truth. I know that i have certainly done that. And yet, right from their earliest years, we have done exactly the opposite! What example does this set?
And we then wonder why children are confused & don't listen to their parents?

So, do i regret telling that big lie to my children? No, not really & there lies the problem i guess?

The great Santa Claus deception will only stop when parents have the guts to actually tell the truth, straight away & not allow their children to believe in Father Christmas.

So, who will be the first parent brave enough to do that?
Maybe it will be my son?